Loving Men
as a Queer woman
My therapist asked me when was it that I knew that I was Queer… I think I’ve been lying about it for so long, that even I had forgotten really when I knew.
I’ve not been lying to get any benefit out of lying, but just to diminish my own feelings and the pain of rejection that would come with — and as I write this, I want anyone who might read to remember that homosexuality was illegal before Sept’2018, here in India.
So, I’d silenced my feelings of attraction toward women so much, that I had almost no recollection of when it might have been that I probably started feeling something.
Today, however, randomly I woke up earlier than usual and randomly a memory came to my mind of an interview of Ricky Martin on the Oprah Show from years back:
Even as I was struggling to understand my own identity and trying to press down my feelings for persons of the same sex, I loved how assertively he kept saying that he, too, loved every woman he thought he loved. I loved his conviction in standing up for them, and not diminishing those relationships either. I guess I was just preparing for an inevitable future — having to date men, as a woman who was probably only attracted to women.
Even though the first person I’d fallen in love with was a woman, I did date men. I think, like Ricky says here, it’s expected of you, and it’s rewarded in such subtle ways — people look at you happier, more kinder (not sympathetically), with respect, and without othering you, as a part of their own. They reward you, socially, by inviting you to hang, by coming to hang with you, and in so many more ways. Dating a person of the opposite sex, albeit with its own complications of being with another person, comes with so much sweetness. As a woman who has dated both difficult and wonderful men, and such women as well — I’d say that dating wonderful men has been way more enjoyable or pleasant, than dating wonderful women — though fulfilling, maybe not so enjoyable and pleasant (due to social and societal constraints I guess).
So, yeah, unlike the so-called ‘straight’ people, who diminish their experiences and relationships with people of the same-sex by calling it experiments, I always knew I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. And truly, I, now, don’t feel like calling anyone or any experience an ‘experiment’ — how derogatory to the other person, and to our own needs, feelings, and experiences.
I dated a wonderful man once and I have to say, if someone asked me I would still say I love him with all my heart. In fact, the older I get, the more love I feel toward him.
Was I in love with him, maybe not. Was I sexually attracted to him, definitely not. But did I love him as a person and as my partner, absolutely! Do I sometimes wish to share a similar love with a woman, I so do! That man and my relationship with him was wonderful. I feel that there are high chances of misunderstanding a beautiful relationship with a person of the opposite-sex as love & attraction. Whereas, misunderstanding a strong attraction and pull toward someone of the same-sex as a very deep friendship.
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I don’t unnecessarily want to extend what I am writing here, but since hardly anyone but myself will read it — and I continue to write to be able to acknowledge all these feelings I haven’t allowed myself to — so I will write in great detail. In fact how I remembered this Ricky Martin interview was because I was reading something relevant to my work, and since my work now involves working with emotions, voila! I have an excuse.
So, while I now fully know that I love women and feel deeply, passionately attracted to them, I still have to say that my relationship with that man was probably one of the best relationships I’ve had so far. As Ricky put in his interview, it just fit! We were working on something together, I was actually helping him out and the fact that he liked me then, how admirable — a man who likes someone in a so-called ‘senior’ position and isn’t threatened by it. He was very professional and silent most of the times — I have a propensity for shy introverts I guess. Once we were done with our little ‘project’, on the last day, he angrily took out a chocolate from his cargo capris (see the detail in which I remember, how can one then not think this too can be love? ps. this was more than 10 years back), and handed it to me, as a ‘thank you’ gesture. I don’t remember if we spoke much after. I don’t remember much of a lot of in between but I guess I just ‘felt’ his cuteness as the kindness with which he looked at me. I do have this weird theory that I already know if I’m going to be comfortable with someone or not, even before we speak, just by the way they look at me / share silence with me.
Anyway, I liked working with him in such little words but when we finally got together, I loved so many other things about him too. I loved his perfect, spiky, silky black hair; I loved his stuble, I loved his hands, his comforting voice, his soothing hugs. I even fell asleep on him, with my head on his chest! Very uncharacteristic of me — I am known to make women go to sleep on me (by the way of comfort). I loved spending (some) time with him, and I even remember some of the things he told me when we spent time together. Some cute, eccentric things like he having this name for his old, tattered laptop — I think I remember the name (again, more than 10 years back), but I’ll refrain from putting it down here publicly. I even remember the cute ‘bothered’ expressions he would get on his face and forehead when we would try to navigate his super old and super slow laptop when we’d decide to watch something on it. Sneaking away on date-nights was also fun, with him. We kept our relationship a secret since I guess we were not ‘supposed-to’ date. Even if a secret relationship (ofcourse a few people knew), it still felt so fulfilling. Because the people who knew were excited for us. When we would go on dates, as a man-woman couple, the staff would respond so well. We would get privacy, and good service. Our pictures together, they looked so good and perfect. Being with a person of the opposite-sex brought this weird sense of wholeness that we’re raised aspiring for. It could’ve been perfect.
Only, I slowly started realising how my sehen-shakti (patience) for him was limited. I would snap at him more often than I would at a woman I was romantically involved with or had feelings for. Though I loved spending time with him, I never really looked forward to it as much as probably he did. Or as much as I did, with another woman. I never yearned for his company as I would for a woman’s — even if only a crush. Even though I loved his physical presence and even his touch; that love and closeness would never translate into sexual intimacy. I just didn’t feel it. And though I would like doing things for him, in return, to the cute little things he did for me, I would never pass by a store or a scenery and think of him, as I would, say, for a woman. I might, as a friend, but never as something more. I didn’t want to plan going away with him somewhere so that both of us could be together for an extended period. I would never crave to get to know him as deeply as I crave to know women I find myself interested in. And even though he was one of the smartest, most creative guys around me, I was never as intellectually stimulated by conversations with him as I find myself with women of maybe similar intellect/creative-interests. In fact, and probably the saddest part, I was never interested to even argue or fight with him. So I guess, all in all, my emotional involvement with him too was as limited as my sexual involvement with him.
I never dated another man after him. I truly loved him and I felt that the fact that I couldn’t be in love with him or attracted to him might have definitely hurt him to an extent, and it did me too, to some extent. And even though, in retrospect, I understand this is how a woman I fell for might have felt for me too, I made sure never to diminish my love for this guy as an experiment, or a mistake. I think I learnt how to receive love, from him. But, as Ricky Martin put it, I know I am gay, not even bisexual, even though I thought I was — I remember telling this man that I was bisexual because I had already been in love with a woman before I met him and I was being as honest as I was to myself. Therefore, just thought of writing this post, here, today — just as a reminder to never, ever diminish any of my experiences going forward. Neither good ones, nor bad ones.
I am still learning to fully allow myself to not diminish my attraction toward women. As I started, with the question of if I remember when I first got to know I might be Queer — I probably didn’t because I diminished my feelings too much so as to suppress and repress it. I still have to do it on a day to day basis every once in a while, when I find myself crushing on a friend maybe. My therapist asks me my experience, I tell her I don’t want to lose the friend and hence the only way forward for me is to lose my feelings. But that comes at a great cost to me — mental discomfort, also manifest in physical discomfort and ailments. So, I am learning to navigate friendships etc. while also allowing myself to feel, completely as on fire as I might be, crushing on a woman!
Of course people might experience attraction very differently, this is how I experience it, and I continue to learn to experience it fully, so as not to diminish it, and acknowledge it as well as I would any other relationship or feeling. I can’t really choose to feel one feeling while suppressing another — it’s impossible for me to love someone as a friend if I fail to acknowledge what else I feel about them. That would mean that I am never fully emotionally present with them, and that, now, after so many years of therapy, and learning therapy myself, is unacceptable to me. And it doesn’t have to be only attraction, I do want to fully feel whatever the friend and our relationship brings up in me, even if it is something like anger, jealousy, regret, love, longing. I don’t want ‘neutral’ relationships anymore I guess. Balanced, yes, blank, no! So, the next time my therapist asks me when did you start feeling that way about someone, I can just recall it so instantly, hopefully!
[I love how it is so difficult to learn something in psychology without implementing it on yourself — kudos to seasoned therapists! Can’t even imagine how deeply they must’ve seen inside (the good ones of course, not the ignorant ones)]
