Straight Women
When I was very very young, probably a teenager if I remember correctly, I fell in love with a woman (and yes, I’ll use the word ‘love’)… or at least I thought so.
It was very hurtful…for me for sure, and I am sure somewhat for her as well. We fought the possibility of losing each-other for a long time, I fought too hard to keep her I feel, even at the cost of my own comfort — I was just trying to prove I am not a ‘bad-friend’ and I bent over backward way more than I could afford to. I’m sure in her story she did too, but it’s not a competition, both of deserved more comfort from a friendship. Anyway, it was my hardest heartbreak — painful to the extent that I forgot what pain was after. Or maybe always felt pain. I just froze, felt numb, and dissociated majorly. I was told or reminded again and again how I might be being a bad friend if I developed feelings for her and wanted some compassion in return. I was told I was lecherous because I wanted to touch her because I now had feelings for her — after we’d be touching without feelings (experimenting) for months! Apparently, touching someone lovingly is not okay, but touching someone just for fun is. Female desire, especially for the same-sex, uh uh…nope! It’s okay to even have sex I suppose, without desire…but if you actually desire a woman, out of love, that’s not okay. That’s the message I got.
So, I suppressed my desire.
For her, or for anyone else…for years…I think 4–6 years after.
Until, I found a very interesting person in my first job. I felt connected to her and I felt attracted to her, I guess hence. But, I never felt desire for her. Almost never at least. I never wanted to have sex with her, and hardly ever did I even want to kiss her. I was sexually attracted to her, my mind knew it, my body knew it — I felt it, all over…maybe it was lust, maybe love, who knows? But, it never took take form as desire. I never desired for her the way I had the first woman. Perhaps because the first woman repeatedly told me how she was mine and I was hers. There was nothing like that with the second woman. Rather, it was inconsistent…and I was wary (from the first time). This time too I had a heart-break, but of a different (and similar but smaller kind). This woman outed me, against my wishes to almost everyone we knew at work. It was my first ever job…this woman had 3 years of work-ex before. I felt so stupid…so mortified! And so betrayed! Especially because every few years I got to know someone more had known (she had told them) and they were beating around the bush with me. Both of them were lying to me.
Even the first woman had outed me against my wishes. It was painful — to trust someone, to love someone, to let someone in — and then be first objectified by them, then betrayed, and then objectified again. Sigh.
Anyway, this incident, and the first, both had so much nuance that caused me so much hurt at such deep levels; levels that I am still uncovering. But, that, for another day.
What happened after was that I shut myself out. I shut myself up. I just wouldn’t hang out with ‘straight’ women. And things kept happening at work, for example, that kept reinforcing this conduct of mine (people at work were very homophobic). For years and years I tried to protect myself from the hurt that came (almost always) from crushing on straight women. More than hurt, betrayal — more than heartache, loss…loss of a friendship, loss of respect (for someone who’d choose to hurt you again and again). I lost all respect for straight women, and as a result, I felt disgusted with myself for falling for someone I had no respect for. I still feel that. I have a lot of work to do in therapy, I know.
But, in the last two years I developed crushes one after the other on two straight women, knowing that they’re straight! Of course, I’ve been depressed since. Of course, I’ve been beating myself up since. Of course I hate myself. And even though the first crush has given me a year to talk about it, I just haven’t been able to. Just keep pushing it under the carpet (lol). Like, what do I even say, right?
What do I tell her? That listen, the thought of you makes my palpitating heart come to a rest and I feel so relaxed even when I am having the worst day? That I started using over the ear headphones because I wanted to catch that slight huskiness in her voice when she talks? That her ‘presence’ is so striking. Presence… not just looks… the way she talks, the downward smile…the long ughummss… The look of surprise on her face when something out of character comes up. The shy slant look when she relates to something I’ve said. The fact that I find that an actress looks like her, and the fact that the actress plays a queer character, a sapphic poet, it just blows my mind. It’s like I get to see a version of her, in my reality. That I both wish to know her more, yet am afraid to. That I desperately want to relate to her — find so many similarities between us, and am positively scared to see how different we might be. That I randomly see her in the same sweater (almost same) that I have and I cannot keep my eyes off her, because she looks gorgeous in that colour/texture…yet, I am too shy to look at her…so where do I look, really? That I simultaneously wish that it was socially appropriate to be able to have pictures of her around (I mean I could if she was my partner or friend, but otherwise creepy, right?) to be able to see her more, without being mortified…and that I am so shy to look at her that even when she’s visible to me, like on video-calls, I wish for her to disappear (switch her video off). That I long to wake up to her messages (a conversation between us) in the morning, yet it spooks me every time I see she’s left me a msg outside the ‘working hours’. That I so desperately desire connection, yet so scared to see any sign of it emerge?
Yes, that’s how I feel attraction toward a straight woman. This, and a lot more. Abhi toh I haven’t even started on the physical and sexual attraction and desire, and how strongly that’s felt…and just how much that makes me feel out of control and completely disgusted with myself. And just for clarity, I am not disgusted with myself when I am attracted to Queer women — I feel at ease, both excited and nervous, and shattering and shy at the same time. And I am okay. I am okay having queer crushes, even if at times on the women who’re out of my reach, or my close friends. I am okay with so many difficult possibilities within the community. What spooks me are my crushes on straight women. So scared!
The fear is newly discovered. As told by my therapist, her word — and really mine too, just haven’t had the guts to admit it yet I guess.
But before this I’ve experienced this fear as disgust — with straight women (and ofcourse with myself).
I’ve very very harshly judged myself for falling for straight women (even those I haven’t mentioned here), and I’ve judged other queer women for falling for straight women. But, you know what! I am changing.
My pov is changing. While some individuals are immature, and some relationships don’t work out…not all straight women are disgusting, and hopefully, not scary. I don’t always have to feel disgusted with myself for liking straight women…because some straight women are pretty awesome. I mean, think about it…they’re the nicest, most giving, caring people I know. Us, Lesbians, we’re the worst. We’re so vain, we like only women. Straight women, on the other hand, I wonder how loving and giving they are that they can like, love, and care for a man! Many men are purely just not as good as women. So, who’s kinder and more loving — someone who loves only women or someone who loves men too? So I guess it’s:
Straight women > Bi women > Lesbian women
We’re simply vain. We love the most beautiful creatures in the universe, whereas straight women love probably the most evil, or simply boring, and tbh not so good-looking creature in the world. Human male is probably one of the grossest and most unhygienic male being on the planet (even animals keep themselves and their environments cleaner and safer than human males). They will love these beings, care for them, then by virtue of this love, care for an entire family of a stranger — be able to make new being with this being and then sacrifice a good part of themselves for that little being. Which, I am sure must be super cute — loving someone so much that you want to see a little bit of them and a little bit of you in a new little being. But that’s what I am talking about — a straight woman will love so much, and be kind and caring to so many more people than a lesbian woman ever will be. So, what’s wrong in loving someone so nice and kind?
I mean I get it — such a loving being can become extremely hostile toward us though because they’ve conventionally never been taught to share love, or give respect to someone as harmless as us. But, I am sure if media and pop-culture hadn’t scared everyone against homosexuals, people would have a better attitude toward us. I mean imagine such a beautiful caring creature being hostile to another woman? I’d not know why she’d do that. This sounds like sarcasm now, even to myself, but I am for real confused. And it’s not really my problem liking straight women. The entire media, pop-culture, society, religious scriptures etc., everything just makes us want to love women! Doesn’t it? And imagine being instinctively atrracted to women. Especially as a woman. Like you are attracted to someone you admire so, so much, and can even relate to. That’s like 10x love! So, why should I beat myself up for loving someone who’s portrayed to be loved?
Why should I beat myself when I find myself developing a crush on someone who’s been consistently present for me, probably been kind to me, and perhaps I find characteristic of her both admirable and sexually appealing? Maybe I find her good looks so amazingly gorgeous. Why should I not fall for such a woman?
Men in bollywood are cutting their nasein for the said women.
And we’re supposed to behave like these women have no impact on us? Why?
Why should we invisiblise these women — are these women born and brought into existence only to be looked at by men? Why should be invisiblise their impact on us? Do men come with a patent to feel the impact left by a woman? Or are we saying that a woman in herself cannot leave an impact on anyone, but it’s just the ‘penis’ (as heard in pop-media) that makes men want women? Well, we don’t have penises, but, I want women. Specific women I have feelings for. In fact, when I want them, I want them so much, I don’t want anyone else. It irritates me to get a message from anyone else when there are days/months when I am talking to a woman I have feelings for. I get lost in her and I never want to be found…not by anyone else but her. I even told one such woman that the days in between the time we meet, I just want to go to nice long sleep and I want the world around me to stop existing. I really do feel like that. I lose my ability to find anyone else attractive or interesting when I am interested in one or two people (either attraction or friendship). That’s me. And that’s like a hundred times stronger with attraction — I just don’t want to talk to anyone else. That’s the kind of impact a woman has on me! And I am done demising it, and hence my own feelings, and hence my own existence, just because the society at large, and a few women in particular made me hate straight women and myself for loving these erstwhile ‘hateful’, now just interesting straight women.
I know, I will still be hurt by straight women. More than any queer woman, that also I know — straight women just don’t have the vocabulary to let you down easy. They get scandalised and scared and accuse you and push you away. But, I guess it’s okay. My feelings for them has little to do about how equipped they are to handle me, yet. Hopefully, with some more inner work, I’ll finally be attracted to someone who does know how to extend that kindness and compassion, even in this sphere.
But, like they say, we end up with people at the same level of woundedness — how it translates to me is that I too am someone who would react extremely poorly if I got to know a straight woman actually likes me, or values me in her life. I’d say/do something to push her away. I know. I can see it (now, in hindsight), but I cannot stop. So maybe, once I learn to work on that, when I learn to give that kindness and compassion, I’ll also learn to receive it!
In a nutshell, straight women are hot! I have done myself a disservice my repressing my feelings for women for the past decade. And I have done myself disservice by pushing kind and beautiful straight women away. I now hate myself for that, rather than actually for liking straight women.
[I know I still will hate myself every moment I am reminded of my undying crushes on straight women, but I’ll work on it — and stop being so hostile to straight women. They’re definitely better than us Lesbians. They’re so loving (they love men), and we’re so vain (we love women, the most beautiful and amazing creatures ever).]
